Nov 2017: North India
I read an article recently by a man for other men. The writer described a conversation with his girlfriend and how it broke him. She asked him if he has ever walked home at night fully alert and prepared in case he might be sexually attacked? Had he ever consciously not gone somewhere in case he’d be sexually harassed there? Did he purposely give off “don’t come near me signals’ in case its seen as an invitation for harassment or assault? This boyfriend was heartbroken and awakened.
I used to think that I was just over anxious about rape or attack. I can be prone to catastrophising and anxiety so I thought it was just me. But I have realised that most women are aware that we are physically weaker than 1/2 the population. We are instantly at a disadvantage. We don’t walk in a quiet place with 2 earbuds in, so that we can hear if someone approaches out of sight. This action plan is barely conscious it lies under the surface like a well planned and prepared risk assessment. Every new place we visit or different scenario we find ourselves in we write a new one in our head & file it away. Now I know not all women and girls live like this. But to some extent or another, this is true of most of us. We tell our young girls & women once independent to not walk home alone. We advise them to only use registered taxis. We urge them not to put themselves in vulnerable situations with people they don’t know. We have taught our boys to look out for their female friends when they are out on a night out. And they do – and they do it not because I have drummed it into them but because they know the dangers too. They have seen their friends harassed. We have all heard the stories of girls too drunk to know what was happening to them, never mind consent. It makes me anxious to hear of young girls hanging out in places stalked by older boys where underage drinking takes place. And this is in rural Northern Ireland. Not in a village in north India, or in some college town in America.
The prevailing idea that girls and women are available for sex whenever a boy or man might want it is widespread. Not all men, please hear me, lovely trustworthy men, I’m not talking about you, but you too are aware of the locker room chat and WhatsApp/Snapchat so-called banter.
Our bodies are rarely seen as our own. They are viewed as the property of the beholder. I chose to dress modestly, firstly out of respect for my marriage. My choice. Not at my his husbands insistance. Secondly, before I was married I did not feel as safe if I wore something more revealing. Why? Because I feared it would be interpreted as an invitation for harassment. Again this was my choice, I chose the easier path of less resistance. I didn’t want to have to stand up for myself or get into any sort of confrontation, so instead, I chose to hide a little. To play my femaleness down a bit for fear of too much attention. Even as I write this I feel ashamed of my lack of courage, to fully embrace me. I hate that my default is to hide like a very tall person who haunches over, I back off, I withdraw, I make myself less than. It’s often a defence mechanism though sometimes it feels more like cowardice. I was awakened to the inequalities faced by women among my Indian sisters now I ask us all to take courage on behalf of them, girls and women everywhere.
Michelle Scott 